Marriage is More than a Party

July 26, 2009

candy hearts
My best friend Mo encouraged me to write this post. We were talking last night and she heard the passion in my voice about this subject matter. But I’m really sharing this life experience because she told me that it was very enlightening for her and she appreciated my rawness and openness.

I got married at the of 37 and was married for four years. We had a beautiful small wedding that was loads of fun. As a matter of fact, one of my ex’s nephews said to us shortly after the wedding, “why don’t you guys get divorced, so you can have another party!”

Well, we did get divorced but neither of us is looking for that type of party again, at least not with each other. There is no bitterness or weirdness between us at all. My ex and I still have a lot in common and we can still enjoy parts of life together, but not marriage.

Another great friend of mine calls me a “free bird”. I always felt free, marriage was never a goal for me. I was not raised by a woman who considered marriage a “goal” for women. My mom got married, shortly after my birth. You see my father was a great football player and his family thought that my conception would ruin his career, so he and they, denied my existence for many years. My mother who was beautiful and a great spirit told me openly that she married my stepfather to give me the father she knew I wouldn’t have had. That never really happened.

It wasn’t a good marriage. And as for my new “father”, he did the best he could with what he had. It wasn’t enough. Too many years later they divorced and we lived happily ever after. My mother met a great man, they never married, shared beautiful moments together, no drama, no turmoil, just respect, admiration and love, in separate homes.

There is nothing wrong with the union of marriage, as long as you know what you will gain and what you will sacrifice. And I tried my best to share that with my single friends who have never been married, when I hear them turning marriage into a goal. If you are not a whole passionate loving free being for yourself, you will not survive marriage and if you are a whole passionate loving free being, you may also not survive marriage. Because for many women, we are the ones who take the backstage job while we encourage the man to live his dreams. And not everyone is cut out to do that. Men have a natural way of not losing themselves. We could learn a lot from them in that respect. Women, we are nurturers naturally and we want to see others happy, mistakenly forgetting our own happiness. Then we become resentful that we have let go of who we fully are to take on a “role”, and once we become resentful and too compromising, the man says,”I didn’t ask you to give up anything for me”. And usually that is the truth. We just did it anyway and now they no longer see the whole passionate loving free being they fell in love with.

I don’t have any answers on how to make a marriage work. What I do know is that as for me, I just want to love and receive love, give and be appreciated for the giving and I want to laugh, a lot, and enjoy my life and live my dreams and change my mind, seven times a day, if I want to. And all of that doesn’t marry too well with marriage.

And so like my mom, I am now living happily ever after and I wish the same for my ex and everyone. Because it feels so darn good! And who knows? I may change my mind and marry again. Well, I don’t think so. Maybe? Maybe not.

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8 Responses to “Marriage is More than a Party”

  1. Shinai Says:

    Yea, I was always that girl too. Thought marriage was not for me. Then I did it anyway. Mostly for my partner who wanted it, and my family who expected it. I thought I could be different, and not take on the role/resentment because I knew about it going in. We made different agreements and all, and then it happened anyway. 10 yrs in now, and love my partner to death, but still wish I’d never agreed to marry… why do we do this to ourselves?

    • lkimberlysmith Says:

      Thank you so much for your comment. I also got married for most of the same reasons that you did, mostly because my ex-husband had always dreamed of being married and he could not see us just in a happy relationship, to him, that should lead to marriage. At least thats how he thought then. And like you, I loved and still love him, but fortunately, as I see it now,he decided that we were not making each other happy in this arrangement and he wanted to separate. Many times when we share moments or outings together now, I see the man I fell in love with, that loved the free creative woman that I am, but then I remember that he is only happier because now I am happier and I am happier because I am free and we have both released ourselves from these “roles” we felt we had to play. I think marriage should probably be custom-designed. lol

    • lkimberlysmith Says:

      Are you on Twitter? How did you find my blog post?

      Thanks,
      Kim

  2. Cally Jones Says:

    Beautifully written and it is a story I am sure alot of people can relate to. Thank you so much for sharing Kim xox

  3. Shinai Says:

    Yea I’m on Twitter @AncestralVoices… sort of my voice on meditation, all things ethereal, and spiritual. I appreciate your reply to my comment, and your post really has me thinking. In response, custom-designed marriage was what I thought we were creating… that’s why I changed my mind and decided to go into it with eyes wide open, you know. But there are subtleties that I’m really not sure anyone can avoid. We are culturally conditioned, and we do have gender roles that come to dominate our interactions, when marriage is infused into a perfectly good relationship. Can we avoid them? Having had a custom-designed marriage, and a partner who agreed with all my qualms about it, and sincerely trying our best to do it differently… I think it still turned out much the same way as so many others. There’s a reason why thy call marriage an institution. Now, I’m not considering divorce, because I love this man. But I am considering something like an un-marriage ceremony, abandoning all the titles and names and institutional doctrines in a public way, in a way that seals something differently in our minds. Thanks for the stimulating discussion. I think it’s good for us all…

    • lkimberlysmith Says:

      What a beautiful way to put that! I just followed you on twitter. I am EarthFire. I wish you many blessings in your marriage journey and maybe some day soon, you will be able to share the experience of the unmarriage ceremony. I would love to hear about that.

      Kim

  4. Kat Says:

    I really like this post. There realy is no Shangrila in relationships. I sometimes scare myself bc part of me wants to be a “normal girl” and get married and another partbhas never really wanted it.
    I was engaged but left. I am happier now. But also I hearfrom so many people that marriage is what you make it.
    And I loooove the idea of having separate homes.

    That’s like a party for te rest of your life!
    Go mom.


  5. I really enjoyed and related to your message, but with some difference of option. You are dead on when you say a person will have a successful relationship “as long as you know what you will gain and what you will sacrifice.” I thank my husband every day for laying it on the line with me up front. I also laid it on the line when I told him if he couldn’t control me, I would bury him under my heel. We both took that honesty to heart. We both knew what was down the road (and agreed to it), even if we didn’t know how hard it would be.

    The willingness to sacrifice BECAUSE IT’S WORTH IT is what makes or breaks a relationship. You have decided your freedom is worth sacrificing a marriage. Some day, your free spirit may be old news and your scale will shift. If it does, don’t ever accept that you have to take a back seat to anyone! A real partner will always find a way for you to spread your wings, and will sacrifice equally for you.

    For others like you, I hope they find your post and process what you say. We have way too many divorces happening and not enough people waiting for the right choice.


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