Marriage is More than a Party
July 26, 2009
My best friend Mo encouraged me to write this post. We were talking last night and she heard the passion in my voice about this subject matter. But I’m really sharing this life experience because she told me that it was very enlightening for her and she appreciated my rawness and openness.
I got married at the of 37 and was married for four years. We had a beautiful small wedding that was loads of fun. As a matter of fact, one of my ex’s nephews said to us shortly after the wedding, “why don’t you guys get divorced, so you can have another party!”
Well, we did get divorced but neither of us is looking for that type of party again, at least not with each other. There is no bitterness or weirdness between us at all. My ex and I still have a lot in common and we can still enjoy parts of life together, but not marriage.
Another great friend of mine calls me a “free bird”. I always felt free, marriage was never a goal for me. I was not raised by a woman who considered marriage a “goal” for women. My mom got married, shortly after my birth. You see my father was a great football player and his family thought that my conception would ruin his career, so he and they, denied my existence for many years. My mother who was beautiful and a great spirit told me openly that she married my stepfather to give me the father she knew I wouldn’t have had. That never really happened.
It wasn’t a good marriage. And as for my new “father”, he did the best he could with what he had. It wasn’t enough. Too many years later they divorced and we lived happily ever after. My mother met a great man, they never married, shared beautiful moments together, no drama, no turmoil, just respect, admiration and love, in separate homes.
There is nothing wrong with the union of marriage, as long as you know what you will gain and what you will sacrifice. And I tried my best to share that with my single friends who have never been married, when I hear them turning marriage into a goal. If you are not a whole passionate loving free being for yourself, you will not survive marriage and if you are a whole passionate loving free being, you may also not survive marriage. Because for many women, we are the ones who take the backstage job while we encourage the man to live his dreams. And not everyone is cut out to do that. Men have a natural way of not losing themselves. We could learn a lot from them in that respect. Women, we are nurturers naturally and we want to see others happy, mistakenly forgetting our own happiness. Then we become resentful that we have let go of who we fully are to take on a “role”, and once we become resentful and too compromising, the man says,”I didn’t ask you to give up anything for me”. And usually that is the truth. We just did it anyway and now they no longer see the whole passionate loving free being they fell in love with.
I don’t have any answers on how to make a marriage work. What I do know is that as for me, I just want to love and receive love, give and be appreciated for the giving and I want to laugh, a lot, and enjoy my life and live my dreams and change my mind, seven times a day, if I want to. And all of that doesn’t marry too well with marriage.
And so like my mom, I am now living happily ever after and I wish the same for my ex and everyone. Because it feels so darn good! And who knows? I may change my mind and marry again. Well, I don’t think so. Maybe? Maybe not.